I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
420 ftw
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize