i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
