are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i believe in u and ur pee
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