Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
