I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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