We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
