Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
organizing the empties. That sober.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
