I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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