I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
