Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Congratulations! We have a period
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