Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
