if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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