morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
