i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
