just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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