my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
