So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
