He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I look better un-naked...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
