You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
