I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
