She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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