i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
