Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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