You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
