is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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