I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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