I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
