Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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