people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
