Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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