Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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