Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
