I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
