You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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