In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
