I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
