The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize