I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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