I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
