did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
