I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
