I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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