Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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