WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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