wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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