he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
