Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Boobs are out for the taking
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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