Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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