You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
