Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
