last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
