i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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