Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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