i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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