I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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