I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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