the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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