Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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